It's been a long time since my head was flooded with so many thoughts that I'm left with this ache to just blog about them. Actually, no, my head was never flooded with this many different thoughts before. Not in a span of like an hour or so at least. I'm usually driven to blog because there's just an issue so huge and so heavy that I can't sleep without getting it off my chest. And because I'm not one of those who can pick up the phone and rant to a friend about it, this blog ends up being my only outlet.

But tonight I was plagued by so may thoughts. These may seem very random mind you, but they included thoughts about talent, destiny, love, autonomy (yeah, you're probably thinking like where the hell did this come from), career, religion, family. I think I might blame this on the caffeine. I only had 2 cups of tea though! Not unusual. But this uneasiness and jumpiness I'm feeling right now is so nostalgic of the time I went crazy for coffee. Lol. Which didn't end too pleasantly.... So now I'm back to not drinking coffee very much. Haha. But seriously, my thoughts just jumped from one topic to the other like and electric pulse jumping form one node of ranvier to another down an axon (ha ha ha. Can't believe I just made a geeky analogy. Gosh. Something really is wrong with me!).

Okay but yah, trust me, all those topics do have very clear bridges in my mind. Bridges you'd only understand if you knew my life inside out. Some are common to everyone, like religion and family - that's an easy one. Or at least one that probably isn't unique to me. But yeah, the brain has a funny way of reminding you of the randomest people, events, and emotions when you're watching videos of the X factor (like I was for about 2 hours tonight), or reading an article about euthanasia (again like I was a while ago). But I appreciate it. I guess. Because in some of those moments when I was pondering about life, I felt so motivated. So motivated to do something about my life. But at the same time, in some of those moments I felt like a piece of crap. Because I was reminded of my incompetence. Or I was reminded of how I haven't found answers to my questions about life. Other times I was consumed with so much jealousy. Which made me realise today, so much of the negative energy and emotion that I experience stems from envy of others. I hate to admit it but I am a jealous person. I don't just mean this in the context of love, I mean this in the context of EVERYTHING. Really. I've spent so much of my life coveting what other people have. Wishing that I could have what they have. Wishing that I could do what they do. Wishing that I had done things differently so that I could have achieved what they have achieved. I've wished for so many things that I've finally decided, TONIGHT, that if could ever, EVER, (and I do mean E.V.E.R.) have just one wish come true, it would be that I could find wisdom. Wisdom to stop thinking about what others have that I lack and to start appreciating what I have got instead. What I can do about my own life. To start making decisions and actually sticking to them because that's the only way I'm ever going to achieve anything that I desire. Soooooo SICK & TIRED of being jealous. So very very sick and tired.

*deep breath*

YEAP. That about sums it all up. This blog post kinda reflects my state of mind tonight really. Jumping all over the place, ending in ways I didn't expect it to. Lol.

Oh just to squeeze in one more tiny little lament though(=D), I appreciate sleep for its ability to cure a bad day and for its ability to de-clutter my mind, BUT, the one thing I hate about it, is that it always puts out the fire I stoke in me the night before.=(

OH WELL. What can I do.....=(
Okay I think it's really time I did something about it. Hahaha.

(by the way, as I was typing the first sentence of this post, I couldn't stop hearing Lady Gaga in my head. Lol.)

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air.

No, not becuase 'I know that I can count on you' (if you know where that's from)

And yes, sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care".

Again, not because 'you've got the love I need to see me through'.

But instead, because sometimes I just really wanna give up.

I am screwing with my life here. I thought I was making the right decisions. But when the investments don't pay off, you're just left to despair about the debt you've incurred. What am I to do about it though. I don't think my demands are absurd. I only want what everyone else wants. I may feel like shit right now, but come tomorrow I doubt anything is gonna change. It's a vicious cycle. And I'm sad to say that I probably won't stop until I get what I want, or, I end up in the dumps. tsk.

So yeah, sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air. Coz I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.


Urgh. Distressed over stupiak things. (and some people just have to rub it in your face. Lol. -.-)

And so, because I can't fall asleep thanks to the nap I took at like 8pm, I decided that it was an opportune time to blog. Also because certain events during the night got me thinking about some lessons I felt I learnt after being shipped to Australia 4 months ago. Lol. I only had one beer tonight and a few random sips here and there, so I think I can still make sense. Hahahaha=)

Life lesson of relevance to tonight would be: When you find something good, don't f*ing let go.

Thought of this one during the trying first few months in Sydney when I was putting myself through crap regarding building new relationships and stuff. If it so happens that you who are reading this are one of the few I whined to during that period, then yes, you know what I'm talking about.=) Hahahaha. And you can take pleasure in the fact that YOU were something good that I found, and I'm going to do my best not to let you go. Being in Australia made me realise that starting over is not easy at all. To build the level of trust that you had with old friends would probably take the same number of years it took to do that with new friends. That no 2 people are alike, and you're never ever gonna find a perfect replacement for your loved ones back home. Nothing can replicate what you shared. And so, if what you had was special to you, don't try and put it away and move on to greener pastures, but instead treasure it and work to keep it. Of course you can't hope for things to be exactly the way they were, but in no way does it mean it has to end. And in no way does it mean it still can't progress.

I'm not demeaning the new people that I've met in any way. I think I've met some really special people and I'd love to see our bonds grow stronger over the years.=) It's just that the immaturity of our relationships triggered these feelings while I was there.

How is this relevant to tonight? Well more like the past week or so. And maybe even the past 6 months. I am confused. I feel like I may have stumbled upon something good. But that's all it is. A feeling. I can't be sure. We have no history. No experience to judge on. So do I hold on to it or let it go? In a way my mind has already been made up. Which is kinda based on another lesson I've been teaching myself while in Australia - out with the old, in with the new. This may sound contradictory to the first lesson I mentioned, but I mean this in regards to like... 'new opportunities' in Singapore. And like regrets. Like I can't possibly start anything new here when I'm not gonna be here most of the time. And with regards to regrets, whatever I failed to resolve or capatalise on, I need to forget. I need to stop thinking that I can make it right because its too late. I need to stop thinking that I can come home and pick up where I left. People move on and I need to as well. I can only hold on to those that I already have and start looking forward. I really have yet to move my life over to Australia. I'm still trying to live in Singapore when it is actually rather foolish. Seeing how I'm gonna be there for a good 5 more years.=/

So yeah. Such a tricky situation this is for me. I'm still learning how to make the most of this experience. I only hope that I've learnt enough in the first 4 months there to make the next 4 a lot more fruitful.

*BIG SIGH*

Days like this when your confidence soars higher than ever and you feel up for any challenge.
Days like this when you start to believe in yourself again.
Days like this when you catch a glimpse of who you are.

Coupled with the fact that its a supposed lull period from school makes the day feel even better.=)

SUPPOSED lull because this course is just brutal. There is no break even though there may seem to be. All these farce safe houses along the way. You think you can stop and take a breather, well okay a breather, that's all you can really afford. Coz if you decide to stay the night, next thing you know the tigers are at your doorstep again. -.- SCREW YOU SCHOOL. All you've made me feel lately is overwhelmed. And underwhelmed at my own capabilities. But..... I have learnt a lot from you in the past few weeks I guess....... Like how you made me realise that how much I learn is really up to me. Hmmm....

Oh well. You still suck overall. You've turned me into a hermit.

Piece of shit!

Today I grieve deeply for some(just some, of many) of my inadequacies.=(

Firstly, I am a terrible shopper. I set out this week to find myself a nice Autumn jacket because it was getting colder and stupidly I only brought 2 very thin jackets which were of course suitable for the Singapore standard of 'a cold day', failing to see the 'DUH-ness' that a cold day in Singapore is hardly comparable to a COLD DAY in Sydney. -.- I amuse myself sometimes. By how stupid I can get. Hahahaha. So anyways, I spent the whole week walking around various shopping areas to no avail. Even worse was that I went to each shopping district I think at least twice! Only because I never bothered trying on some of the jackets I thought I liked. And even when I did, somehow they gave me the false impression that they were awesome.
Example: I tried on a jacket at King st. Thought it was awesome. Went back there the next day because I couldn't find anything at Bondi. Tried it on again. Hated it. -.-

Strange...... After taking a second look at it on me, I couldn't see how I actually liked it to begin with! Haha. And then there was the enigmatic jacket in a shop at Bondi. I thought it looked nice, but it was out of my budget so I decided not to try it. Big mistake. The image of the jacket plagued me for the rest of the day. But thankfully, the next time I saw it, it was somehow... not so alluring anymore. o.o

Is it because I'm fussy or picky or what? I have no idea. But I find it so hard to find a jacket that I love.=( In actual fact, I find it hard to find anything that I love! And my mind so easily plays tricks on me. For what reason I don't know! Because it's not like we're 2 different people! Why does it have to convince me to buy something I don't love! -.- Somehow I managed to convince myself to buy a fcuk jacket that was on sale yesterday. Almost have price. But there were so many reasons why I didn't love it. It was puffy. It had drawstrings at the bottom. o.o It was a tad bit too plain for my liking. But I still bought it anyways. It made me happy for a few hours. Until I tried it on again in my room. Next thing I know I was on the internet finding out if fcuk had a return policy. SIGH. I'm such a mess.

So today I returned the jacket. I am so blessed that the lady at the counter didn't know that sale items aren't supposed to be refunded, instead can only be exchanged or converted into a voucher. I got a refund. THANK THE HEAVENS. Not many people get a second chance at life. But I did. I was already looking at other fcuk products I could buy using the voucher, resigned to consequences of my mistake. So thank you lady, I pray you don't get into trouble for refunding me.=)

I could come up with many examples of how my mind/brain convinces me to do the lamest shit ever. Like how it convinced me that I don't need to bring my shades out even though it was sunny as hell, because people might think I'm like a poseur or something, wearing shades in autumn. WTF. I spent half the bus ride cursing myself and the other half trying to understand how something like that could have happened.

I did manage to come up with a possible reason why I do the stupid things I do. At least for some of them. Sometimes I'm so afraid of people judging me, only because I judge others. So I know that there are people out there judging. And no matter how many times I reach an epiphany on how it doesn't matter what people think coz I am beautiful in every single way, I still fall into the trap of... I don't know what this trap is called and I'm too lazy to think. Lol. It's not peer pressure. Societal pressures? Wannabe-cool syndrome? Whatever. I used to think I was above that. I guess I hardly am. My mind is still as impressionable as ever. The only thing that has changed are the things that impress me.

Being yourself is so hard.

And it is so easy to lose yourself amongst everyone else's views. Too easy sometimes.=/

Get your act together.
Get your act together.
Get your act together.

If I tell myself this enough times I pray it might just come true.

Sigh.

No more getting in over your head. If you want something, stop and think about it proper for once. Fleeting thoughts ain't gonna get you anywhere.

So get your act together already.

So for a very long time tonight I was thinking that tonight would be a great opportunity to blog. It's Friday and I don't feel like doing work. And I felt like I owe it to whoever reads my blog to update it already. But I was struggling with the idea of blogging coz I couldn't think of anything that I really wanted to blog about. And blogging for the sake of blogging really doesn't do anything for me. So yeah, I'm just gonna pen down some thoughts on why my night tonight has been really shitty.

After really awesome Thai food we went to the beach. I've really really really wanted to visit the beach at night ever since I went there in the day. I love beaches at night. Maybe coz they're just so romantic. But also because I always see them as awesome places to have really awesome conversations with friends. So I took a stroll up to the cliff to see if it was really everything that I imagined it to be. To tell you the truth, I was a bit underwhelmed. Maybe coz I was more concerned about being there alone so I didn't sit down and try to soak in the environment. Maybe coz there weren't any lights on the sea surface like back home. But I don't really think that's a big issue. In fact, I'd like very much to go back there at night again. But the whole time at the beach alone, I really just wanted to ship my friends over from Singapore. One at a time every night, so we could lie on the beach, stare at the stars, and talk about our lives. Talk about our most private thoughts. I'd like that very much please.

Because I feel so alone here sometimes. Fucking alone.

Sorry, forgive me. I don't usually swear. I think this is the Grey's Anatomy talking. Watching it always leaves my mind messed up. But this is just how I feel now. Right now. At this very moment. I want to go up to my old friends, friends that I hold dear, and tell them to their face how much I love them and how much they truly mean to me. That's something I've never had the courage to do, but I'm ready now. Because being in a different country really makes a whole lot of difference.

wow. have I ever missed home this much since coming here? No freaking way. What's up with tonight. I don't understand. It's like a hidden reservoir of emotion locked up somewhere deep in my head was suddenly released. Well I'm glad it found its way out. Possible trigger was probably the thought about whether my friends would actually want to lie beside me on the beach and share their inner-most thoughts with me. Thoughts on how deep our friendship really goes. Thoughts on how much time I wasted not trying hard enough to connect with them when I had the chance to. I was scared I was scared I was scared. What exactly it is that I was afraid of I don't have a clue. Afraid things would end up awkward? Afraid that my feelings aren't reciprocated? Afraid of what I don't freaking know.

Phew. Okay, that was relieving.

Maybe my sub-conscious had something to do with my decision to blog tonight. Coz it has truly been therapeutic. My head is a lot clearer now. Still don't feel like giving a shit about school work though. Hahahahaha. But I doubt that's got anything to do with this.

Sigh. Things are always better in the mornings. Shitty nights are always resolved by sleep. But somehow I think things won't change one bit when I wake up. Coz tomorrow I'll go about the things I'm supposed to do, and the promises I made to myself in the heat of the moment will be forgotten. I'm weak that way.

Change damn it. It's really about time.

My afternoon naps/power naps are usually as tiring as they are refreshing. As I've learnt from the many naps I took in between classes back in VJ(and sometimes during classes=D) as well as the almost daily naps I had during my whole NS life(hahahaha), as long as it's in the afternoon, it's always crammed full of very hectic dreams.=/ Most of them a continuation of the activities that happened before I fell asleep or at least they're quite current and very, very real. Maybe its because most of the time I'm barely sleeping. As in like half asleep? Just beneath the surface of the sea of sleep?(Don't know if you get this analogy, but it paints a really serene and mystical picture for me=)) Hahaha. So anyway, the nap I had this afternoon was no different. I don't usually record my dreams, but this one was kinda different.

The first dream was kinda amusing. Lol. I remember dragging myself out of the dream because someone in there said it was 2.30pm already and I should wake up. O.O Strange......... But it wasn't 2.30pm. Instead it was only about 1.20pm and my alarm was only set for 1.30pm. So I went back to sleep for 10 mins. And during that 10 mins I had one of the happiest dreams I've ever had(Or at least that I can remember). And in that dream, I distinctively remember asking someone if it was a dream, and asked for assurance that I won't just wake up from it. That person smiled and told me that 'this' was for real and that I had nothing to be worried about.

That person lied.

Next thing I know I'm awake. And this huge HUGE pang of sadness just overcame me. I felt cheated. Fooled. ANNOYED. Disappointed. But mostly just sad. This whole thing may sound really lame to you but it made me realise what I truly left behind back in Singapore. And that was love. I came here convincing myself that I could easily find substitutes for everything I had back home. Friendship was easy to find and the very day my parents left I managed to find people I felt I could call friends. But one week into my parents absence it struck me that these new friends I made could hardly give me what my friends or family back home could. Not to belittle the relationships I've forged with people here though, cause I do feel that I've met some really awesome people here and I don't see an end to our relationships in sight.=) But one night while I lay on my bed waiting to fall asleep, I was hit by a sudden wave of  'discomfort'. I was dying to be hugged by someone. ANYONE. And even till today, I haven't given or received a hug from anyone since the last night my parents were in Australia.=( It was then that I realized  my friends offered me more than just companionship. Back home, I would greet my Mum with a hug everyday when I left or returned home. Likewise I would greet many of my friends with a nice warm hug.=) Well I guess I took that all for granted.=/ (and no, hugs are not the only thing my friends offer besides companionship. hahaha)

Now that I'm here, starting life all over again, I've really got no one to turn to for a hug. And huge part of the reason for that is again, myself. For someone who is comforted greatly by the smallest human touch, I never initiate. I never dare to. In fact, with new people, I'm weary of the littlest touch coz I'm always afraid that it might make others uncomfortable and that can make me really awkward in certain situations. Lol. But in actual fact, I'm always open for hugs. Hugs are nice. and warm. and fuzzy. and they make me happy. and they make me feel loved.=) But maybe also, I'm just not ready to hug these people. It's not so simple. A hug really goes further than just physical contact and maybe I don't initiate these hugs coz I don't feel we're at that level yet?=/

So I guess until I can find a new Family here (which I believe shouldn't take too long. Hopefully), the yearning to return home to the comfort of old friends won't stop.=(

But I shouldn't worry. It's only been a month. I can't possibly try to replicate what I built for years in that time.=) So yeah. I've gotten used to this process of starting over anyways, and I'm getting more and more comfortable by the day.=)

Everything in it's right time Taariq, everything in it's right time...

(A hug wouldn't kill though)

What a pleasant change in outcome!

I was dreading my Anatomy practical class this afternoon ever since I had the last one on the 3rd. The memory of that class really scarred me. Lol. Yes, you may say that I'm exaggerating, but I swear I'm not. The experience really knocked me off my feet. It blatantly laid down in front me the weaknesses of my personality, as naked as the dissected bodies on the table in front of me. It was a weakness that I hadn't need to address in the longest time, because back in Singapore the last time I was thrown into a pool of strangers was back in the beginning of NS, more than 2 years ago! And honestly, I find that most Singaporeans are like me. Or at least it's really easy to find a person with similar inhibitions when it comes to strangers. Hence I had no trouble in taking my time to forge relationships.=) I was in my comfort zone. Well as comfortable as I could get I suppose. I know my weakness and I know it well. But it instead of finding ways to eradicate it, I found ways to get around it without improving myself. Because really, improving yourself is such a tedious task is it not? Not to mention extremely uncomfortable at the beginning. We all know that the outcome will be wonderful and that it will all be worth while, but as I always see it, knowing is never enough. Everyone knows the right thing to do. Doesn't mean everyone does it.

Why is it so hard to just be me and be happy. I never ever can satisfy myself. But at the same time, I can hardly find the strength to change who I am. Sigh. Such is life?=/

Anyways, I had better get to explaining this 'pleasant change in outcome'. As you may have guessed, I had my 2nd anatomy practical this afternoon.(Hooray!) And I was worried things would just end up the same way it did the last time round, which simply means me being a loner not daring to utter a single word to the numerous numerous people surrounding me, thus leaving the class solemnly, beating myself up for being such a coward. I was SO worried that this would happen that I spent the whole weekend formulating a master plan for the next lesson.(huahuahua!) My initial plan was to zoom in on a friendly face in class and latch on to that person like a parasite!=D I was so psyched after all the encouragement and consoling my friends gave me that I felt like I could definitely pluck up the courage and make friends out of these menacing strangers. But duh, an adrenaline rush only lasts for like a few minutes or so. Although mine lasted for about a day I guess. Hahahaha. After which I discovered a way to weasel out of my problem and back into the safety net of already friends.=) It was simple, I would just crash another class! AWESOME AIN'T IT. So simple. No fuss, no worry and comfort guaranteed.=) But turns out I didn't even have the guts to flout the rules. -.- I watched my friends helplessly as they left my side and sighed. Time for emotional scarring - Round 2.

BUT IT WASN'T!=D The tutor said the magic words, 'Break into groups of 4.' I think my eyes literally lit up when I heard that coz DAMN, I knew I could work in small groups.=) Right place right time and I was on my way to talking to the Australians.=) I wouldn't really consider them as friends just yet, but they spoke to me! Quite a number of them did! Even beyond the group of 4! And I spoke to them! HAHA! It was bliss. I left the class feeling so good about myself.=) Although I don't know if I should, coz moral of the story: I was still a coward. But a damn lucky one! All I can say is thank god I was I didn't have the guts to flout the rules. Phew. My inherent goodness has served me well.=)

So yeah. No change. I'm still me. Still as big a wuss as ever. But heck, at least I'm happy today. The hard work can wait for now.=)

Just experienced 2 of the most excruciating hours of my life thus far. Honestly at this point of time I can't think of any other past experience that can top this in terms of the misery I felt. I felt small and insignificant. And I felt downright helpless. It was horrid. I just didn't know what to do!=( And even though I didn't try hard enough probably, I really did put in some effort....=( Never would I have imagined that integrating with the Australians would be the biggest of my problems here. Sigh.

I know its mostly my fault. I judge them before I even try to get to know them. But you can't blame me for that. I am trying to stop judging people, but this is innate. Everyone treats people according to the first impression he/she gives you. I look at them and immediately I decide that we have nothing in common. That there is absolutely nothing we can talk about after basic introductions. And so half the time I don't start a conversation. Okay maybe ALL the time. Lol. Me being my shy and insecure self, I prefer people start conversations with me. Then at least I can kinda assume that they'll be interested in anything I have to say. Maybe I'm just afraid of rejection. Afraid that they don't reciprocate with a question. And then I'll just be left there looking like a fool. o.o

Now do you get my new year resolution? People terrify me. Not human beings in general, but strangers. Strangers that I need something from. Maybe I'm afraid of giving someone completely new to me the upper hand. Just afraid of putting myself out there to be judged. When really I shouldn't give a damn. Yes you can tell me that all these fears are really uncalled for, but I'm sorry, people do have irrational fears and this is mine. I am trying to work on it honestly. But I need time. I'm used to being reserved around people I don't know. I'm used to taking my time in forging a friendship. But that's not how things work around here I guess. Everyone is everyone else's best friend after 5 seconds of being in the same room. o.o Now how do I weasel my way into a circle that seems to be already closed?=(

Time to brush up on my social skills. Sigh. This is hard.......

I know that in my previous post I was going on about how much I really wanted school to start and I know that everyone who has spoken to me in the last 2 weeks have clearly been told by me that I have been DYING for school to start since I dunno, the land before time, BUT, now that school is going to start TOMORROW.... I'm sitting here really really wishing that it didn't have to.=(

You see, I'VE JUST BEEN HAVING TOO MUCH FUN!

I've never had so much fun in such a long long time!=) The past week went by feeling like an overseas trip with friends! (instead of family.) And it has been awesome. I finally get to know what it's like. Been wanting to embark on a trip overseas with my friends for the longest time but none of our plans ever come to pass. Instead I sit around in Singapore watching ALL my other friends go on short trips to places nearby and some even on extravagant trips far away. And every single one of them return with stories and photos to share that I have to sit down and swallow with a smile even though inside I'm burning with jealousy and hatred at their luck of having such an experience.=)

So, HA. Take that! This year I embark on my 6 year holiday in Sydney! Woohoo! And the first week has been splendid! =P=P=P

But anyway, back to reality, school starts tmr.=( SIAN. I was really looking forward to school trust me. But what changed my mind was the faculty welcome we had on Tuesday. Well more like a welcome LECTURE. It was long. And I was reminded of all those long dreary lectures I had back in VJC(I love you VJC), which I honestly dreaded. Lol. Especially the Math ones. I could never focus. Half of my lecture notes were empty.=/ On the plus side, I'm doing a course that I chose because I really am interested in it. So lectures are supposed to be exciting and interesting are they not? Because I should be really awed by all the information being thrown at me. Right?=/ Grah. I just hope I don't sleep as much in school as I used to. Lol.

Which brings me to one other thing. My new year resolutions. Okay maybe not really 'new year' resolutions, because I never really believed in them and hence never made any. With the exception of this year. The only one which I posted on Facebook(yeah I know, so cheesy and gross. And some time in mid Jan so yeah, not really 'new year') together with half the world population, was to be as brave as Taylor Swift. If you don't get it never mind. Oh wth, I'll just explain anyways. Taylor Swift inspired me to be as brave as her in her song 'Speak now' where she courageously interrupted a wedding and ran away with the groom. Now how awesome is that!!!!! So yeah. I made a resolution to be braver than I usually am. Because if you knew the things I was afraid to do you would be calling me a wuss right now. Hahaha. I had little faith in this whole resolution thing as I mentioned earlier, but in this 2 months I have really seen how the term 'resolution' changes everything. It's weird I know, but taking time to really put some serious thought into what you want, labeling it with a strong word such as 'resolution' and sharing it with the rest of the world seems to give it some sort of extra power. Every time I feel like backing out of something, I think back about how I resolved to change the way I am and suddenly I find it in myself to go against my usual habits. I am honestly impressed by the power of language and what it means to us. Strong words really do make a difference. So maybe next time if you SWEAR to yourself that you will do the laundry today instead of just telling yourself that you ought to, you might just end up having a higher success rate. Hahaha.=)

So the whole previous paragraph was completely irrelevant. And since I have been rambling on for too long, I shall keep the rest short. Hahaha. My other resolution was unpublished because I decided it should be a 'new Month' resolution instead. I felt that there was no reason why I shouldn't try and change that habit in a month. Namely to sleep earlier. It did have some success before I left for Australia mind you, but since I got here, whew,  seems like I never made it in the first place. Lol. So yes, SCHOOL HAS BEGUN. I NEED TO SLEEP EARLY. ER. EARLIER.(early is too much to ask for)

Yay for resolutions. I can do this! Next problem to solve: Punctuality. Sigh. Been getting worse and worse and worse.=(

Oh and I had one more resolution. To touch and Elephant. Inspired by 'Eat, Pray, Love'. I hope I get the same joy out of doing it as she did. Hahaha.



A cockroach has infiltrated my room and is now in my wardrobe. I am terrified to death. God save me please.=( HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP IN PEACE.

I may not be the brightest star, but I'd like to think that I still shine in my own little way.

Bright enough to be seen at least?=/

Sigh. Comparing yourself with scholars really never leads to anything good does it? All it does is make you feel miserable. Unless of course you ARE a scholar. I don't do it all the time, but every now and then I get reminded of some bright stars of my previous schools and start to think about my own life and what I've done with it. And HELL my resume doesn't impress me. Hahaha. So then begins the digging for dirty laundry. Something to prove that these scholars aren't as perfect as they seem. Because really, you can't have it all can you? But so what if you find out that they aren't perfect? You're just doing it to make yourself feel better. You try to convince yourself that really, you're not that far behind or really, that's not the life you want anyways. Because at least, you know, I've got more time to have fun, or at least I'm better looking(don't judge), blah blah. So you don't stress out anymore, because somehow, now you're equals. And then you fall back into your old routine, the routine that really never got you anywhere. Next thing you know, Scholar dude is back on top and you're still down below trying to figure out what went wrong.

Maybe its better not to dig for dirty secrets. I prefer my idols to be perfect. Or rather, I prefer my competition to be perfect. So then at least I know there's always something I need to work towards. Because honestly, there really is a lot of work cut out for me. If I want to shine as bright as Scholar dude. LOL. Who am I kidding. Ain't gonna happen anytime soon. And really, I'm way too far behind for that.

Scholar dude is not fictional. I know someone I deem to be perfect and honestly, I'm still baffled by that possibility. How on earth can he have it all. I am so jealous. I really really am.

Oh well. Time to buck up loser. Try to make this time count please.

*Breathe breathe breathe*

This trip has proven to be a real test of my patience. WHEW. Okay this might be something unusual to rant about because I probably should have bigger things to worry about and all but HECK, this is the only issue that has compelled me to blog. And that is, I really don't know how much longer I can stand being around my parents.

PLEASE DON'T GET ME WRONG.

You must understand. I have never, NEVER I repeat, spent this amount of time with my parents ALONE. Sure my family does go on the occasional holiday for like a week or 2 at a stretch, but at least my siblings would be around!!!! I'm dying. Dying for some companionship besides that of my parents. Again, do not misunderstand, I love my parents very much and I am truly grateful that they are here to help see me through this tough transition period. Today itself they have helped set up my bank account and followed me to find accommodation(which we secured, thankfully). I admit, I could never do any of that on my own. Nothing this large scale. Maybe moving to another place in the same country I can manage. But moving to a new country? NO WAY. So yes, thank you Mother and Father, I owe you 2 my life really.

But I am sorry. You need to leave. SOON. Or at least leave me alone.=( God. I spent a whole 12 hours with them today and I feel like my head is about to explode any minute now. Thank god I have been returned to my laptop in a corner of my Aunt's place - the closest place to home right now - while my parents converse with my cousin in the kitchen downstairs. I have been really good okay. I didn't snap at my mum the WHOLE DAY. Even though my tongue was dying to lash out some unfriendly words. I don't want that. There is no point in that. Unnecessary unhappiness. So please please please, I hope now that the bulk of my concerns before uni have been addressed, I can have more time to myself. ALONE.

Please don't think any less of me after reading this. That's just my idea of family. I know it's not the best nor ideal, but it's the only way I know how to function in my family. For now at least.

Will school start already?


And oh yah, if you didn't manage to pick out certain updates in that rant, here's a summary:

- I have an Australian bank account! (not that it really matters to anyone else. Hahaha)

- I have a place to stay!=D (Which is just opposite UNSW! I take 2 mins to walk to school! WTH! Awesomeness. It's a decent place. But I'm staying with a Chinese family(that consists of an old couple, their ancient mother and a daughter) and another student from China. This is the only part I feel kinda urgh about. But they will cook for me and do my laundry. Hahahaha.)

- I got my student ID card! (The office where you get it is kinda interesting. It has like a bank counter, you take a few steps back form the counter and take a seat against a white screen. Staring right at you IN the counter is a camera that takes your ID photo. Lol. My camera was a bit lopsided and so was my hair. o.o But at least I managed a decent smile.=D So all's well. Hahaha)

Woke up today(today being Sunday 23rd Jan) feeling kinda miserable.

Not just any kind of miserable, but the kind of miserable that nothing and no one can make me feel better kind of miserable. Except the one person who caused this misery probably. But sad thing is I don't think you'll ever know that you affect me so much. And I don't think you really give a shit. I should really put this all behind me, seeing how it's been so long since I've had anything to do with you. But it's never that easy eh? Always easier said than done.

Coincidentally, a friend told me he was miserable today too. When I asked why he explained himself, but went on to say also that he was just being immature and I really shouldn't bother. I replied saying that its alright to feel immature and that we all go through phases like these. We just need to remember that they always pass eventually. Essentially, that's what I've been telling myself the whole day actually. Lol. But knowing that it passes never really makes the process that much easier to bear huh. Oh well. Thank god by the time I woke up half the day was already gone. Hahahaha. And actually my phase is kinda passing already. So yay for me.

I had a lot on my mind the whole day actually. But somehow at this point time, I have absolutely no idea how to put any of them into words. Maybe because I kinda resolved them in my head already so I see no need to pen them down. My thoughts have kinda left my mind already, and the strong emotions they brought along with them have kinda abated already too....

So yeah, all that's left for you to read is a really really badly structured, messy and kinda pointless blog post. Hahahahaha. I apologise.=)

(I tried reading this post and DAMN this is such a horrible read. Wow.)

Gosh. Major change in plans.

After a talk with my parents over dinner last night, I got some insights into their plans for me for the rest of the year. And damn were they unexpected. My idea of this Sydney 'holiday' was that it was kinda like that, a HOLIDAY. I'd go there and study, but I'd still consider Singapore my home, and still consider what I have in Singapore my Life, the BIGGEST part of my Life. But it seems.... now, I have to go over and... start a new life there and make that my home. And treat Singapore and everything here as... a nice place to holiday at. Treat everything here as... secondary. o.o

Wow.

Wasn't expecting that from my parents at all..... But I guess money really does take precedence over all sometimes.... They seem completely fine with not having me around for years at a time?=/ I don't get it. Since when were they.... Well since now I guess. Oh well. I guess this is what I signed up for. And its just time to face reality. It's not supposed to be and easy breezy beautiful education after all.

I'm scared.

Can the day just arrive already? Coz I can't stop worrying. And worrying, as all the wise people say, is so unnecessary. Sigh.

I am going to Sydney to further my studies.

For an event that sounds so trivial and simple, it sure as hell is freaking complicated! -.- but I'm not referring to the process or preparation involved here. I'm talking about the emotional rollercoaster that I've been going through. It's insane. There are a million different things I can think about when my mind drifts off into the future. Not all of the thoughts pleasent though. Sometimes it pains me so much to think about it that I have to consciously block it out of my head for I fear I might end up an emotional wreck.

But whatever it is I feel when I dream of Sydney, I'm starting to feel that this is good for me. In so many ways, this will be good for me. I only hope that that will be true. Coz there do seem to be a ton of stories about international students in Australia going rouge. Lol. Is that the right word??? Hahaha. Okay whatever lah. They just havoc. Lol. Please please please don't let that be me....=/

Anyway, sorry Australia is the only thing I blog about these days. Coz err.. Australia is the only thing I think about these days. Lol. So yeah. Whaaaaaaaaat the hell!=) (The wth is supposed to be from Avril's new song if you were wondering. Lol.)

P.S I typed this whole post on my iPhone!=D
(Okay I don't think it's that big a deal.)
(And that's why it's rather short. Tired already. Urgh.)

Okay there's one thing I'm really excited about for Sydney. And that's that....

I CAN FINALLY GET MY OWN 'REAL' FAKE ACCENT!!!!

=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D

WHOOPEE!

HIAKHIAKHIAKHIAKHIAKHIAKHIAK! *snort snort*

Excuse my excessive excitement, but I think having a fake accent is hilarious.
And OMGOSH SO FUN.=D
Can't wait to try it out when I return to Singapore.=P


In other news, I'm almost done with all the red tape processes for the trip(yay), but still left with a whole shit load of other stuff to sort out!(Damn) So much trash to clear in my room. And I haven't even got down to deciding what I should bring over. I wish I didn't have to work anymore so I'd have time to stay home and go through all my stuff and really organise my preparations. Right now its just a jumbled mess of information in my head taken from multiple sources about what I should do, what I need to do, what I should be wary of, what I should take advantage of, etc, and its driving me NUTS. And between all this I still have to meet up with peeps and leave time for other leisure activities like..... blahblahblah.

SIANNERS.

This whole process has been a real test of my independence, and my report slip shows BELOW AVERAGE. or SHITTY/SCREWED UP/PATHETIC more like it.=( (hmmm.....imagine if schools used such words in report slips.... 'Conduct: HORRID! Tom was a stupid kid who was pathetic at Math. He was useless at all other subjects as a matter of fact. Ought to be culled. Likewise for all the other dumb children.' Now wouldn't that be swell. Hahahaha) Anyway, now I finally realise how dependent I have been on my parents. As much as I like to think that I can survive on my own, I now know I haven't been doing that all this time. Making your own decisions in regards to your social life and time management with bits and pieces related to your education without your parents breathing down your neck is NOT independence. There are so many other aspects of my life which I have never managed by myself. Hence, I feel extremely fortunate for this opportunity. If I went to NUS, I'd probably still be as clueless as before.=/

I'm sure a wake up call is in order, waiting for me in Sydney.
I just hope it won't be too rude.=/