Just experienced 2 of the most excruciating hours of my life thus far. Honestly at this point of time I can't think of any other past experience that can top this in terms of the misery I felt. I felt small and insignificant. And I felt downright helpless. It was horrid. I just didn't know what to do!=( And even though I didn't try hard enough probably, I really did put in some effort....=( Never would I have imagined that integrating with the Australians would be the biggest of my problems here. Sigh.

I know its mostly my fault. I judge them before I even try to get to know them. But you can't blame me for that. I am trying to stop judging people, but this is innate. Everyone treats people according to the first impression he/she gives you. I look at them and immediately I decide that we have nothing in common. That there is absolutely nothing we can talk about after basic introductions. And so half the time I don't start a conversation. Okay maybe ALL the time. Lol. Me being my shy and insecure self, I prefer people start conversations with me. Then at least I can kinda assume that they'll be interested in anything I have to say. Maybe I'm just afraid of rejection. Afraid that they don't reciprocate with a question. And then I'll just be left there looking like a fool. o.o

Now do you get my new year resolution? People terrify me. Not human beings in general, but strangers. Strangers that I need something from. Maybe I'm afraid of giving someone completely new to me the upper hand. Just afraid of putting myself out there to be judged. When really I shouldn't give a damn. Yes you can tell me that all these fears are really uncalled for, but I'm sorry, people do have irrational fears and this is mine. I am trying to work on it honestly. But I need time. I'm used to being reserved around people I don't know. I'm used to taking my time in forging a friendship. But that's not how things work around here I guess. Everyone is everyone else's best friend after 5 seconds of being in the same room. o.o Now how do I weasel my way into a circle that seems to be already closed?=(

Time to brush up on my social skills. Sigh. This is hard.......