My afternoon naps/power naps are usually as tiring as they are refreshing. As I've learnt from the many naps I took in between classes back in VJ(and sometimes during classes=D) as well as the almost daily naps I had during my whole NS life(hahahaha), as long as it's in the afternoon, it's always crammed full of very hectic dreams.=/ Most of them a continuation of the activities that happened before I fell asleep or at least they're quite current and very, very real. Maybe its because most of the time I'm barely sleeping. As in like half asleep? Just beneath the surface of the sea of sleep?(Don't know if you get this analogy, but it paints a really serene and mystical picture for me=)) Hahaha. So anyway, the nap I had this afternoon was no different. I don't usually record my dreams, but this one was kinda different.

The first dream was kinda amusing. Lol. I remember dragging myself out of the dream because someone in there said it was 2.30pm already and I should wake up. O.O Strange......... But it wasn't 2.30pm. Instead it was only about 1.20pm and my alarm was only set for 1.30pm. So I went back to sleep for 10 mins. And during that 10 mins I had one of the happiest dreams I've ever had(Or at least that I can remember). And in that dream, I distinctively remember asking someone if it was a dream, and asked for assurance that I won't just wake up from it. That person smiled and told me that 'this' was for real and that I had nothing to be worried about.

That person lied.

Next thing I know I'm awake. And this huge HUGE pang of sadness just overcame me. I felt cheated. Fooled. ANNOYED. Disappointed. But mostly just sad. This whole thing may sound really lame to you but it made me realise what I truly left behind back in Singapore. And that was love. I came here convincing myself that I could easily find substitutes for everything I had back home. Friendship was easy to find and the very day my parents left I managed to find people I felt I could call friends. But one week into my parents absence it struck me that these new friends I made could hardly give me what my friends or family back home could. Not to belittle the relationships I've forged with people here though, cause I do feel that I've met some really awesome people here and I don't see an end to our relationships in sight.=) But one night while I lay on my bed waiting to fall asleep, I was hit by a sudden wave of  'discomfort'. I was dying to be hugged by someone. ANYONE. And even till today, I haven't given or received a hug from anyone since the last night my parents were in Australia.=( It was then that I realized  my friends offered me more than just companionship. Back home, I would greet my Mum with a hug everyday when I left or returned home. Likewise I would greet many of my friends with a nice warm hug.=) Well I guess I took that all for granted.=/ (and no, hugs are not the only thing my friends offer besides companionship. hahaha)

Now that I'm here, starting life all over again, I've really got no one to turn to for a hug. And huge part of the reason for that is again, myself. For someone who is comforted greatly by the smallest human touch, I never initiate. I never dare to. In fact, with new people, I'm weary of the littlest touch coz I'm always afraid that it might make others uncomfortable and that can make me really awkward in certain situations. Lol. But in actual fact, I'm always open for hugs. Hugs are nice. and warm. and fuzzy. and they make me happy. and they make me feel loved.=) But maybe also, I'm just not ready to hug these people. It's not so simple. A hug really goes further than just physical contact and maybe I don't initiate these hugs coz I don't feel we're at that level yet?=/

So I guess until I can find a new Family here (which I believe shouldn't take too long. Hopefully), the yearning to return home to the comfort of old friends won't stop.=(

But I shouldn't worry. It's only been a month. I can't possibly try to replicate what I built for years in that time.=) So yeah. I've gotten used to this process of starting over anyways, and I'm getting more and more comfortable by the day.=)

Everything in it's right time Taariq, everything in it's right time...

(A hug wouldn't kill though)

What a pleasant change in outcome!

I was dreading my Anatomy practical class this afternoon ever since I had the last one on the 3rd. The memory of that class really scarred me. Lol. Yes, you may say that I'm exaggerating, but I swear I'm not. The experience really knocked me off my feet. It blatantly laid down in front me the weaknesses of my personality, as naked as the dissected bodies on the table in front of me. It was a weakness that I hadn't need to address in the longest time, because back in Singapore the last time I was thrown into a pool of strangers was back in the beginning of NS, more than 2 years ago! And honestly, I find that most Singaporeans are like me. Or at least it's really easy to find a person with similar inhibitions when it comes to strangers. Hence I had no trouble in taking my time to forge relationships.=) I was in my comfort zone. Well as comfortable as I could get I suppose. I know my weakness and I know it well. But it instead of finding ways to eradicate it, I found ways to get around it without improving myself. Because really, improving yourself is such a tedious task is it not? Not to mention extremely uncomfortable at the beginning. We all know that the outcome will be wonderful and that it will all be worth while, but as I always see it, knowing is never enough. Everyone knows the right thing to do. Doesn't mean everyone does it.

Why is it so hard to just be me and be happy. I never ever can satisfy myself. But at the same time, I can hardly find the strength to change who I am. Sigh. Such is life?=/

Anyways, I had better get to explaining this 'pleasant change in outcome'. As you may have guessed, I had my 2nd anatomy practical this afternoon.(Hooray!) And I was worried things would just end up the same way it did the last time round, which simply means me being a loner not daring to utter a single word to the numerous numerous people surrounding me, thus leaving the class solemnly, beating myself up for being such a coward. I was SO worried that this would happen that I spent the whole weekend formulating a master plan for the next lesson.(huahuahua!) My initial plan was to zoom in on a friendly face in class and latch on to that person like a parasite!=D I was so psyched after all the encouragement and consoling my friends gave me that I felt like I could definitely pluck up the courage and make friends out of these menacing strangers. But duh, an adrenaline rush only lasts for like a few minutes or so. Although mine lasted for about a day I guess. Hahahaha. After which I discovered a way to weasel out of my problem and back into the safety net of already friends.=) It was simple, I would just crash another class! AWESOME AIN'T IT. So simple. No fuss, no worry and comfort guaranteed.=) But turns out I didn't even have the guts to flout the rules. -.- I watched my friends helplessly as they left my side and sighed. Time for emotional scarring - Round 2.

BUT IT WASN'T!=D The tutor said the magic words, 'Break into groups of 4.' I think my eyes literally lit up when I heard that coz DAMN, I knew I could work in small groups.=) Right place right time and I was on my way to talking to the Australians.=) I wouldn't really consider them as friends just yet, but they spoke to me! Quite a number of them did! Even beyond the group of 4! And I spoke to them! HAHA! It was bliss. I left the class feeling so good about myself.=) Although I don't know if I should, coz moral of the story: I was still a coward. But a damn lucky one! All I can say is thank god I was I didn't have the guts to flout the rules. Phew. My inherent goodness has served me well.=)

So yeah. No change. I'm still me. Still as big a wuss as ever. But heck, at least I'm happy today. The hard work can wait for now.=)

Just experienced 2 of the most excruciating hours of my life thus far. Honestly at this point of time I can't think of any other past experience that can top this in terms of the misery I felt. I felt small and insignificant. And I felt downright helpless. It was horrid. I just didn't know what to do!=( And even though I didn't try hard enough probably, I really did put in some effort....=( Never would I have imagined that integrating with the Australians would be the biggest of my problems here. Sigh.

I know its mostly my fault. I judge them before I even try to get to know them. But you can't blame me for that. I am trying to stop judging people, but this is innate. Everyone treats people according to the first impression he/she gives you. I look at them and immediately I decide that we have nothing in common. That there is absolutely nothing we can talk about after basic introductions. And so half the time I don't start a conversation. Okay maybe ALL the time. Lol. Me being my shy and insecure self, I prefer people start conversations with me. Then at least I can kinda assume that they'll be interested in anything I have to say. Maybe I'm just afraid of rejection. Afraid that they don't reciprocate with a question. And then I'll just be left there looking like a fool. o.o

Now do you get my new year resolution? People terrify me. Not human beings in general, but strangers. Strangers that I need something from. Maybe I'm afraid of giving someone completely new to me the upper hand. Just afraid of putting myself out there to be judged. When really I shouldn't give a damn. Yes you can tell me that all these fears are really uncalled for, but I'm sorry, people do have irrational fears and this is mine. I am trying to work on it honestly. But I need time. I'm used to being reserved around people I don't know. I'm used to taking my time in forging a friendship. But that's not how things work around here I guess. Everyone is everyone else's best friend after 5 seconds of being in the same room. o.o Now how do I weasel my way into a circle that seems to be already closed?=(

Time to brush up on my social skills. Sigh. This is hard.......