the taste of civilian life after that 17 day deprivation is just intoxicating. from the very moment i stepped back onto mainland singapore i felt a surge of huge relief and joy. i have never been happier to be 'back' in singapore i tell you.
PHEW.
that place can be quite a hell. but the people there are reasonably nice and fun. people meaning my fellow 'captives'. cant say the same for all of our 'captors'. tsktsk. but oh well. at least im having fun while im out here and free! i have watched 2 movies already, ink heart and red cliff 2! the latter being much more enjoyable than the first. somehow i have a thing for chinese war movies. i think its more for their display of martial arts lah. im always very impressed by it.=) i feel so content to have watched a good movie again after so long. and im going to watch another one tmr! YAY.
so yeah, you wld be able to tell that my money is just gushing down the drain like theres no tomorrow. i am soon going to burn my pants away. not just a hole in my pocket. oh well. i shall just decieve myself: its my first book out, i have every obligation to indulge in pricy things! hahahaha. just like the meals i had yesterday. fooyo! i should never be allowed access to large sums of money. how ironic it is that i was the class treasurer. tsktsk. i guess i just like the feeling of handling money. collecting money never fails to thrill me. giving out money lagi best. you feel so powerful when people ask you for money and you have the capacity to provide them with cash.=D sounds quite perverse eh. hahaha. what to do? such is society. sigh. i should probably just stick to handling other people's money lah. if i ever feel the need to handle money that is. lol.
and oh yes! one more thing ive been doing is catching up on the Australian Open! whoopee! tennis wtf! but im so devestated that JJ is out. cant believe it! didnt manage to catch that match today and im not planning on catching the replay. it wld probably just make my heart sink even further. booooooo. i pray nadal doesnt pull off smth like that too!=/
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Monday, January 05, 2009
hello. i watched seven pounds this afternoon with matt after we watched the trailer online which seemed to support wanting's and karen's claim that it was a really good movie. and yeah, it did turn out to be a rather nice movie. although i feel it could have been a lot better if they played out the plot abitttttt more. all in all, it did provoke some thoughts in me, though not all might be entirely related to the movie. lol. and it made me realise some things. like how i wld like to lead my life! how i wld really like it to be an adventure. that was sorta my new year resolution: i want to be more daring. i want to try stuff ive never tried and i want to witness things ive never bothered to. i really want to just see all the wonderful things our planet has to offer. natural and not so natural. i want to be awed.=) i've never had such desire to travel before. i guess i always felt so comfortable with what i know that i didnt really care to explore. but suddenly i just feel like doing something less boring. hahahaha. i wanna do crazy stuff. i dont want to lead a stagnant lifestyle. just thinking abt it is making me all excited. now i just need to find someone who wants to do all these crazy stuff with me. anyone?=D
and yes, letting out all the angst yesterday has made me become more determined to change the way i view life. i am striving to be a completely different person. andddd hopefully it will work. hahahaha. but right now i am rather optimistic.=)
and yes, letting out all the angst yesterday has made me become more determined to change the way i view life. i am striving to be a completely different person. andddd hopefully it will work. hahahaha. but right now i am rather optimistic.=)
Sunday, January 04, 2009
hello people.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!=)
i know the new year passed quite a long time ago, but i really hadnt had the time to blog since then so yeah, this will have to do. hahahaha. and i just had to have a 'new year' post because it seems like one of the mandatory posts every blog should have. hahahaha.
i must say that i did have a rather enjoyable countdown at the esplanade outdoor theatre, watching the fireworks and mathilda and the motherfunkies perform. i have to say that she is just AWESOME. like totally. the motherfunkies too. they are all really so very talented. much to envy. hahahaha. the next few days were fun i guess. i hung out with people. highlight wld be of course hanging out with wanting.=) coz i didnt see her for the longest time. and she left today. again. for what might be an extremely long time. i miss you already wanting.=( so much so that im actually tearing. booo. come back soon please.
okay i cant lie anymore. i really thought that the past few days of my new year was fun. honestly. from the bottom of my heart i was very happy with the way i spent my time. happy until abt half an hour ago that is. i think i wasted my time. i probably dont mean just the past few days. more like the whole of 2008. and why, you may ask, did i suddenly have a change of heart? why was i happy a moment ago and then miserable? and this is literal. seriously. just a while ago, i watched one the most amazing tennis ive ever seen. and that made me as happy as i could be. but then i read some blogs. blogs belonging to my friends. and now i am just a FREAKING miserable wreck. reading all those recounts about the past year, or about their new year resolutions made me think so much. think so much about my own year 2008. and it really seemed like it sucked! gosh. and i dont even know why!!! i love my school. i love my friends. i love so many things abt last year. but when i compare my year, to the year some other people had, it suddenly just stinks. i dont think i grew at all. i dont think i really challenged myself that much at all. or did i? do i just not remember it then? it seemed like one of the hardest years of my life. but somehow, i really dont remember what i learned from it, what i gained from it. i feel like the same person now and back at the start of 2008. am i really? i dont know. this is just SO FRUSTRATING.
and its so irritating to know that i cant stop living my life as a race. the whole previous paragraph was the perfect example. i cant not compare myself with others. i cant not think abt what other people think. i cant seem to just live life the way i want to. its never enough. i need other people to be impressed. i need other people to care. i need to do better than OTHER PEOPLE. i can never be satisfied with what i have. i want it all. i want everything. i feel like a fool for feeling this way. but somehow i cant.stop.it. I HATE IT. i dont want to live this way anymore. i dont want to be so concerned abt other people's lives for all the wrong reasons. nonono. this is not the kind of person i want to be. but its the only person ive ever been! i am quite miserable now. i feel like my entire life has been a waste. ive been going through life with no real direction. i so want to turn everything around.
there are so many things that i felt irritated abt while reading the blogs, that i dont even know what it is now that i am truly upset abt. is it you? you who makes me so happy sometimes, but at the very next moment can make me feel soooooo dejected. the best part is you dont even know what you're doing. you have absolutely no clue that you are affecting my life in such a HUGE way. -.- i hate you for that. or is it the idea that some people experienced a near perfect year gone by? they seem to have grown so much, learned so much and experienced a helluva lot of things that made them wiser and a lot more in touch with themselves and their direction in life. they probably had a million setbacks and a ton of low points much worse than i anything i have ever gone thru. but do i see that? no. im blind to all of that crap. so what if your year wasnt as perfect as it seems. i dont really care. you gained more. thats all that matters. you are the enemy. the rival. the person i need to beat. what else could there have been to get me so agitated? oh yes. best friends. a term i loathe so much. because it sounds so juvenile. too 'primary school' for my liking. but its the only term that strikes a chord with everyone. it represents the ideal the friend. and that right now, is just a distant dream to me. so yes, it irks me to know that there are people out there having such intimate relationships. it is just not fair.
im sorry that this post is so self-indulgent, so angsty, so bitchy even. its probably not a very nice read. but this is the most personal i have ever been. i dont do this kind of thing. i dont like to. im a reserved person. and from what you read above, you could probably tell that im a selfish person. a narrow-minded person. all i seem to care abt is what people percieve abt me. but i am so ready for all of this to end. so i have just one new year wish. i wish that i will freaking grow up.
i feel so alone right now. i need someone to love me. i need someone to be my friend. best friend. someone i can open up to. someone i could cry to without feeling ashamed. literally. someone i could tell everything to without fear of being judged. i need someone to understand me, to know me. and i need someone to teach me. tell me how to go about getting my life on the right track. coz i have no freaking idea. i need help. badly.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!=)
i know the new year passed quite a long time ago, but i really hadnt had the time to blog since then so yeah, this will have to do. hahahaha. and i just had to have a 'new year' post because it seems like one of the mandatory posts every blog should have. hahahaha.
i must say that i did have a rather enjoyable countdown at the esplanade outdoor theatre, watching the fireworks and mathilda and the motherfunkies perform. i have to say that she is just AWESOME. like totally. the motherfunkies too. they are all really so very talented. much to envy. hahahaha. the next few days were fun i guess. i hung out with people. highlight wld be of course hanging out with wanting.=) coz i didnt see her for the longest time. and she left today. again. for what might be an extremely long time. i miss you already wanting.=( so much so that im actually tearing. booo. come back soon please.
okay i cant lie anymore. i really thought that the past few days of my new year was fun. honestly. from the bottom of my heart i was very happy with the way i spent my time. happy until abt half an hour ago that is. i think i wasted my time. i probably dont mean just the past few days. more like the whole of 2008. and why, you may ask, did i suddenly have a change of heart? why was i happy a moment ago and then miserable? and this is literal. seriously. just a while ago, i watched one the most amazing tennis ive ever seen. and that made me as happy as i could be. but then i read some blogs. blogs belonging to my friends. and now i am just a FREAKING miserable wreck. reading all those recounts about the past year, or about their new year resolutions made me think so much. think so much about my own year 2008. and it really seemed like it sucked! gosh. and i dont even know why!!! i love my school. i love my friends. i love so many things abt last year. but when i compare my year, to the year some other people had, it suddenly just stinks. i dont think i grew at all. i dont think i really challenged myself that much at all. or did i? do i just not remember it then? it seemed like one of the hardest years of my life. but somehow, i really dont remember what i learned from it, what i gained from it. i feel like the same person now and back at the start of 2008. am i really? i dont know. this is just SO FRUSTRATING.
and its so irritating to know that i cant stop living my life as a race. the whole previous paragraph was the perfect example. i cant not compare myself with others. i cant not think abt what other people think. i cant seem to just live life the way i want to. its never enough. i need other people to be impressed. i need other people to care. i need to do better than OTHER PEOPLE. i can never be satisfied with what i have. i want it all. i want everything. i feel like a fool for feeling this way. but somehow i cant.stop.it. I HATE IT. i dont want to live this way anymore. i dont want to be so concerned abt other people's lives for all the wrong reasons. nonono. this is not the kind of person i want to be. but its the only person ive ever been! i am quite miserable now. i feel like my entire life has been a waste. ive been going through life with no real direction. i so want to turn everything around.
there are so many things that i felt irritated abt while reading the blogs, that i dont even know what it is now that i am truly upset abt. is it you? you who makes me so happy sometimes, but at the very next moment can make me feel soooooo dejected. the best part is you dont even know what you're doing. you have absolutely no clue that you are affecting my life in such a HUGE way. -.- i hate you for that. or is it the idea that some people experienced a near perfect year gone by? they seem to have grown so much, learned so much and experienced a helluva lot of things that made them wiser and a lot more in touch with themselves and their direction in life. they probably had a million setbacks and a ton of low points much worse than i anything i have ever gone thru. but do i see that? no. im blind to all of that crap. so what if your year wasnt as perfect as it seems. i dont really care. you gained more. thats all that matters. you are the enemy. the rival. the person i need to beat. what else could there have been to get me so agitated? oh yes. best friends. a term i loathe so much. because it sounds so juvenile. too 'primary school' for my liking. but its the only term that strikes a chord with everyone. it represents the ideal the friend. and that right now, is just a distant dream to me. so yes, it irks me to know that there are people out there having such intimate relationships. it is just not fair.
im sorry that this post is so self-indulgent, so angsty, so bitchy even. its probably not a very nice read. but this is the most personal i have ever been. i dont do this kind of thing. i dont like to. im a reserved person. and from what you read above, you could probably tell that im a selfish person. a narrow-minded person. all i seem to care abt is what people percieve abt me. but i am so ready for all of this to end. so i have just one new year wish. i wish that i will freaking grow up.
i feel so alone right now. i need someone to love me. i need someone to be my friend. best friend. someone i can open up to. someone i could cry to without feeling ashamed. literally. someone i could tell everything to without fear of being judged. i need someone to understand me, to know me. and i need someone to teach me. tell me how to go about getting my life on the right track. coz i have no freaking idea. i need help. badly.
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