Get your act together.
Get your act together.
Get your act together.

If I tell myself this enough times I pray it might just come true.

Sigh.

No more getting in over your head. If you want something, stop and think about it proper for once. Fleeting thoughts ain't gonna get you anywhere.

So get your act together already.

So for a very long time tonight I was thinking that tonight would be a great opportunity to blog. It's Friday and I don't feel like doing work. And I felt like I owe it to whoever reads my blog to update it already. But I was struggling with the idea of blogging coz I couldn't think of anything that I really wanted to blog about. And blogging for the sake of blogging really doesn't do anything for me. So yeah, I'm just gonna pen down some thoughts on why my night tonight has been really shitty.

After really awesome Thai food we went to the beach. I've really really really wanted to visit the beach at night ever since I went there in the day. I love beaches at night. Maybe coz they're just so romantic. But also because I always see them as awesome places to have really awesome conversations with friends. So I took a stroll up to the cliff to see if it was really everything that I imagined it to be. To tell you the truth, I was a bit underwhelmed. Maybe coz I was more concerned about being there alone so I didn't sit down and try to soak in the environment. Maybe coz there weren't any lights on the sea surface like back home. But I don't really think that's a big issue. In fact, I'd like very much to go back there at night again. But the whole time at the beach alone, I really just wanted to ship my friends over from Singapore. One at a time every night, so we could lie on the beach, stare at the stars, and talk about our lives. Talk about our most private thoughts. I'd like that very much please.

Because I feel so alone here sometimes. Fucking alone.

Sorry, forgive me. I don't usually swear. I think this is the Grey's Anatomy talking. Watching it always leaves my mind messed up. But this is just how I feel now. Right now. At this very moment. I want to go up to my old friends, friends that I hold dear, and tell them to their face how much I love them and how much they truly mean to me. That's something I've never had the courage to do, but I'm ready now. Because being in a different country really makes a whole lot of difference.

wow. have I ever missed home this much since coming here? No freaking way. What's up with tonight. I don't understand. It's like a hidden reservoir of emotion locked up somewhere deep in my head was suddenly released. Well I'm glad it found its way out. Possible trigger was probably the thought about whether my friends would actually want to lie beside me on the beach and share their inner-most thoughts with me. Thoughts on how deep our friendship really goes. Thoughts on how much time I wasted not trying hard enough to connect with them when I had the chance to. I was scared I was scared I was scared. What exactly it is that I was afraid of I don't have a clue. Afraid things would end up awkward? Afraid that my feelings aren't reciprocated? Afraid of what I don't freaking know.

Phew. Okay, that was relieving.

Maybe my sub-conscious had something to do with my decision to blog tonight. Coz it has truly been therapeutic. My head is a lot clearer now. Still don't feel like giving a shit about school work though. Hahahahaha. But I doubt that's got anything to do with this.

Sigh. Things are always better in the mornings. Shitty nights are always resolved by sleep. But somehow I think things won't change one bit when I wake up. Coz tomorrow I'll go about the things I'm supposed to do, and the promises I made to myself in the heat of the moment will be forgotten. I'm weak that way.

Change damn it. It's really about time.