It's been a long time since my head was flooded with so many thoughts that I'm left with this ache to just blog about them. Actually, no, my head was never flooded with this many different thoughts before. Not in a span of like an hour or so at least. I'm usually driven to blog because there's just an issue so huge and so heavy that I can't sleep without getting it off my chest. And because I'm not one of those who can pick up the phone and rant to a friend about it, this blog ends up being my only outlet.
But tonight I was plagued by so may thoughts. These may seem very random mind you, but they included thoughts about talent, destiny, love, autonomy (yeah, you're probably thinking like where the hell did this come from), career, religion, family. I think I might blame this on the caffeine. I only had 2 cups of tea though! Not unusual. But this uneasiness and jumpiness I'm feeling right now is so nostalgic of the time I went crazy for coffee. Lol. Which didn't end too pleasantly.... So now I'm back to not drinking coffee very much. Haha. But seriously, my thoughts just jumped from one topic to the other like and electric pulse jumping form one node of ranvier to another down an axon (ha ha ha. Can't believe I just made a geeky analogy. Gosh. Something really is wrong with me!).
Okay but yah, trust me, all those topics do have very clear bridges in my mind. Bridges you'd only understand if you knew my life inside out. Some are common to everyone, like religion and family - that's an easy one. Or at least one that probably isn't unique to me. But yeah, the brain has a funny way of reminding you of the randomest people, events, and emotions when you're watching videos of the X factor (like I was for about 2 hours tonight), or reading an article about euthanasia (again like I was a while ago). But I appreciate it. I guess. Because in some of those moments when I was pondering about life, I felt so motivated. So motivated to do something about my life. But at the same time, in some of those moments I felt like a piece of crap. Because I was reminded of my incompetence. Or I was reminded of how I haven't found answers to my questions about life. Other times I was consumed with so much jealousy. Which made me realise today, so much of the negative energy and emotion that I experience stems from envy of others. I hate to admit it but I am a jealous person. I don't just mean this in the context of love, I mean this in the context of EVERYTHING. Really. I've spent so much of my life coveting what other people have. Wishing that I could have what they have. Wishing that I could do what they do. Wishing that I had done things differently so that I could have achieved what they have achieved. I've wished for so many things that I've finally decided, TONIGHT, that if could ever, EVER, (and I do mean E.V.E.R.) have just one wish come true, it would be that I could find wisdom. Wisdom to stop thinking about what others have that I lack and to start appreciating what I have got instead. What I can do about my own life. To start making decisions and actually sticking to them because that's the only way I'm ever going to achieve anything that I desire. Soooooo SICK & TIRED of being jealous. So very very sick and tired.
*deep breath*
YEAP. That about sums it all up. This blog post kinda reflects my state of mind tonight really. Jumping all over the place, ending in ways I didn't expect it to. Lol.
Oh just to squeeze in one more tiny little lament though(=D), I appreciate sleep for its ability to cure a bad day and for its ability to de-clutter my mind, BUT, the one thing I hate about it, is that it always puts out the fire I stoke in me the night before.=(
OH WELL. What can I do.....=(
Okay I think it's really time I did something about it. Hahaha.
(by the way, as I was typing the first sentence of this post, I couldn't stop hearing Lady Gaga in my head. Lol.)
