hello people.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!=)

i know the new year passed quite a long time ago, but i really hadnt had the time to blog since then so yeah, this will have to do. hahahaha. and i just had to have a 'new year' post because it seems like one of the mandatory posts every blog should have. hahahaha.

i must say that i did have a rather enjoyable countdown at the esplanade outdoor theatre, watching the fireworks and mathilda and the motherfunkies perform. i have to say that she is just AWESOME. like totally. the motherfunkies too. they are all really so very talented. much to envy. hahahaha. the next few days were fun i guess. i hung out with people. highlight wld be of course hanging out with wanting.=) coz i didnt see her for the longest time. and she left today. again. for what might be an extremely long time. i miss you already wanting.=( so much so that im actually tearing. booo. come back soon please.

okay i cant lie anymore. i really thought that the past few days of my new year was fun. honestly. from the bottom of my heart i was very happy with the way i spent my time. happy until abt half an hour ago that is. i think i wasted my time. i probably dont mean just the past few days. more like the whole of 2008. and why, you may ask, did i suddenly have a change of heart? why was i happy a moment ago and then miserable? and this is literal. seriously. just a while ago, i watched one the most amazing tennis ive ever seen. and that made me as happy as i could be. but then i read some blogs. blogs belonging to my friends. and now i am just a FREAKING miserable wreck. reading all those recounts about the past year, or about their new year resolutions made me think so much. think so much about my own year 2008. and it really seemed like it sucked! gosh. and i dont even know why!!! i love my school. i love my friends. i love so many things abt last year. but when i compare my year, to the year some other people had, it suddenly just stinks. i dont think i grew at all. i dont think i really challenged myself that much at all. or did i? do i just not remember it then? it seemed like one of the hardest years of my life. but somehow, i really dont remember what i learned from it, what i gained from it. i feel like the same person now and back at the start of 2008. am i really? i dont know. this is just SO FRUSTRATING.

and its so irritating to know that i cant stop living my life as a race. the whole previous paragraph was the perfect example. i cant not compare myself with others. i cant not think abt what other people think. i cant seem to just live life the way i want to. its never enough. i need other people to be impressed. i need other people to care. i need to do better than OTHER PEOPLE. i can never be satisfied with what i have. i want it all. i want everything. i feel like a fool for feeling this way. but somehow i cant.stop.it. I HATE IT. i dont want to live this way anymore. i dont want to be so concerned abt other people's lives for all the wrong reasons. nonono. this is not the kind of person i want to be. but its the only person ive ever been! i am quite miserable now. i feel like my entire life has been a waste. ive been going through life with no real direction. i so want to turn everything around.

there are so many things that i felt irritated abt while reading the blogs, that i dont even know what it is now that i am truly upset abt. is it you? you who makes me so happy sometimes, but at the very next moment can make me feel soooooo dejected. the best part is you dont even know what you're doing. you have absolutely no clue that you are affecting my life in such a HUGE way. -.- i hate you for that. or is it the idea that some people experienced a near perfect year gone by? they seem to have grown so much, learned so much and experienced a helluva lot of things that made them wiser and a lot more in touch with themselves and their direction in life. they probably had a million setbacks and a ton of low points much worse than i anything i have ever gone thru. but do i see that? no. im blind to all of that crap. so what if your year wasnt as perfect as it seems. i dont really care. you gained more. thats all that matters. you are the enemy. the rival. the person i need to beat. what else could there have been to get me so agitated? oh yes. best friends. a term i loathe so much. because it sounds so juvenile. too 'primary school' for my liking. but its the only term that strikes a chord with everyone. it represents the ideal the friend. and that right now, is just a distant dream to me. so yes, it irks me to know that there are people out there having such intimate relationships. it is just not fair.

im sorry that this post is so self-indulgent, so angsty, so bitchy even. its probably not a very nice read. but this is the most personal i have ever been. i dont do this kind of thing. i dont like to. im a reserved person. and from what you read above, you could probably tell that im a selfish person. a narrow-minded person. all i seem to care abt is what people percieve abt me. but i am so ready for all of this to end. so i have just one new year wish. i wish that i will freaking grow up.

i feel so alone right now. i need someone to love me. i need someone to be my friend. best friend. someone i can open up to. someone i could cry to without feeling ashamed. literally. someone i could tell everything to without fear of being judged. i need someone to understand me, to know me. and i need someone to teach me. tell me how to go about getting my life on the right track. coz i have no freaking idea. i need help. badly.