and so, as i was munching on my double cheeseburger(without pickles) and gulping down mini pearls with peach red tea from sweet talk while sitting at some random void deck where my bike(nee's ex-bike) was parked, staring into the carpark of a random HDB estate, i began to contemplate life. *GASP* my life. my... im not so sure what to descirbe it as, life.

strange. i guess there is some truth to all that load of waiting for godot nonsense i plouged through. give a man time and nothing to do, he begins to ponder about LIFE. and all its horrors. interesting. although i did ponder about all the wonders of my life so far, alongside all the trash. hahahaha. i must say i truly am a happy person. *big smile* i am content with the friends i have. okay, more than content i must admit. i feel absolutely GRATEFUL that ive made such great companions.=) companions that will hopefully last me a lifetime. but i say with much regret and despair, that i have hardly progressed in my pursuit of finding myself. yes it does seem to some that i have direction in my life. it seems as though ive got my future more or less planned out already. go study medicine. tada! become a doctor. tada! well i know for sure thats what i really want. i know for sure its smth that can and will sustain my interest for years to come. and im confident that i will lead a very fulfilling life in the field of medicine. but there is still this other side of me that keeps on whispering in my head when im distracted from this plan ive laid out. what if i dont do medicine it says. i dont want the commitment or the studying. i want to do smth fun, radical, unique, exciting, care-free. and thats where predicament comes in. i want abit of everything. i want to BE everything. i dont want to lose out on anything. i dont want to make any sacrifices. i just want it all. as much as i know that such a desire is pointless and unrealistic, i cant shut it out. i havent learnt to. and i dont know when i will. slowly, i have been forcing myself to. it has in fact, taken alot of effort on my part just to latch on to this childhood dream of becoming a surgeon, no matter how much it has strengthened over the years.

i just feel like, im nothing really. im just a mish-mash of a whole lot of nonsense. just like my heritage. HAHA. im chinese but i dont really practice anything chinese. im abit of indian, but i know nuts abt their culture. i come from a muslim family but... yeah... those who know, know. hahahaha. likewise, i wld enjoy a wild night out clubbing as much as i wld enjoy frolicking in the botanical gardens. in the same sense, i know abit of this abit of that, like abit of piano, abit of violin, but im truly a master of nothing. hmmmm.. maybe that and everything else can be attributed to the fact that im scared to step out of my comfort zone. i actually enjoy being a brilliant beginner. thats what ive been most of my life. and all that ive really been actually. i guess i enjoy it when people are impressed by my ability to pick up new skills. so much so that i fear trying to pursue it, in avoidance of the unfortunate reality that in the end, i wldnt amount to nothing spectacular at all, and everyone, would just. fall. silent. i never dared sustain anything long enough to make me seem like a failure.=/

so right now, i still dont know what i truly am all about. i dont know what kind of person i am! what exactly are my interests or what kind of personality do i possess. its all just very hazy and im quite irritated at that. i want to know. and i want to know SOON. its freaking annoying. and i feel old. much to old to still be figuring out myself. i am starting to see a semblence of the real me, but its still far too vague. i dont even have the slightest idea about what kind of person people might label me as! this is worrying. very worrying. i need to embark on some soul-searching soooooooooon. hmm.

oh well. all that angst aside, i had a lot of fun today. '2A'(class of 4) gathering and then random trip to matt's house and then some late night cycling.=D interesting day. hahaha